Well its too late to post for November and I'm too lazy to post right now, but I just thought I'd enter a joke in my old (and misspelled) Moleskin.
Have you ever heard a hipster sneeze? It sounds like "aah...aah...aah-choo-whatever..."
I liked that joke.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
The Lighter Side Of...
When you consider it, sometimes misfortune isn’t as “misfortunate” as you might think, particularly when you consider what the opposite might be…
Its better to be extremely wet than the opposite…being extremely on fire
Its better to fall down than the opposite…falling up and drifting out in to space
Its better to be an amputee than the opposite…having too many limbs
Its better to be excessively hairy than the opposite…having to wear a Merkin
Its better to be addicted to Opium than the opposite….being addicted to un-processed poppy flowers
Its better to be lactose intolerant than the opposite…being able to eat nothing but dairy products
Its better to have nobody know who you are than the opposite…being Jon Gosselin.
Its better to be 4’ 10” than the opposite…being 10’ 4”
Its better to catch your husband in the arms of another woman than the opposite…catching your husband fucking the dog
Its better to be homeless than the opposite…being back in the Vietnam War.
Its better to go to an under-aged prostitute than the opposite…going a senior-citizen prostitute.
Its better to lose you keys than the opposite…having your keys pack their bags and walk out on you.
Its better to have erectile dysfunction than the opposite…having a permanent erection that only goes flaccid when you're aroused
Its better to be a member of the KKK than the opposite…having the KKK reject your bid for membership
Its better to be extremely wet than the opposite…being extremely on fire
Its better to fall down than the opposite…falling up and drifting out in to space
Its better to be an amputee than the opposite…having too many limbs
Its better to be excessively hairy than the opposite…having to wear a Merkin
Its better to be addicted to Opium than the opposite….being addicted to un-processed poppy flowers
Its better to be lactose intolerant than the opposite…being able to eat nothing but dairy products
Its better to have nobody know who you are than the opposite…being Jon Gosselin.
Its better to be 4’ 10” than the opposite…being 10’ 4”
Its better to catch your husband in the arms of another woman than the opposite…catching your husband fucking the dog
Its better to be homeless than the opposite…being back in the Vietnam War.
Its better to go to an under-aged prostitute than the opposite…going a senior-citizen prostitute.
Its better to lose you keys than the opposite…having your keys pack their bags and walk out on you.
Its better to have erectile dysfunction than the opposite…having a permanent erection that only goes flaccid when you're aroused
Its better to be a member of the KKK than the opposite…having the KKK reject your bid for membership
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Throwback - 8 Most Competitive Senate Races, 2006
With the 2010 midterm elections gaining steam in the press, I thought it'd be fun to publish an old throw-back; an article I wrote about the 2006 Senate Elections. Virginia and Missouri are my personal favorite one, but you can decide for yourself which you think I displayed the most amount of sheer world-changing genius.
8 Most Competitive Senate Races
1. Tennessee- Harold Ford (D) v. Bob Corker (R)
Harold Ford- Imagine if Barack Obama quit Student Government and became a vicious, sadistic frat boy. Ford has also had controversy in his family life recently from his uncle’s federal indictment to his great-grandfather Henry’s “I don’t sell Model-T’s to Jews” ad campaign.
Bob Corker- More like Bob “Coke”er! Actually, we have no proof that the Chattanooga mayor does coke, but wouldn’t a coked out Senator make C-Span a lot more interesting? “No, you yield the fucking floor, skank!” “Motion to turn that song up: I just wanna fucking dance!”
2. Pennsylvania- Bob Casey (D) v. Rick Santorum (R)
Bob Casey- “Hello. My name is Bob Casey, my dad was a great governor, so I think I’ll be good at politics, too”. Well let me tell you something, Mr. Casey, in American, we don’t make “daddy’s little man” Senator. We make him President.
Rick Santorum- In college all the guys used to call Santorum “Sticky Ricky”. But now, after a certain infamous Dan Savage column, they call him “Sticky-biproduct-of-feces-sperm-blood-and-lube Ricky”.
3. Missouri- Claire McCaskill (D) v. Jim Talent (R)
Claire McCaskill- Total whore. Just, like, blowjobs, all the time, everywhere.
Jim Talent- To fill the Senate seat left vacant by the death of Democrat Mel Carnahan, Jim Talent beat Carnahan’s own widow who was running for her husband’s seat. Talent beat Carnahan’s widow with a brick wrapped in a t-shirt. This incident took place two weeks after Talent ironically “beat” Carnahan’s widow by receiving more votes than her in the election.
4. Ohio- Sherrod Brown (D) v. Mike DeWine (R)
Sherrod Brown- Sherrod Brown! Ooh, let’s get that fine, intelligent brother elected! Ain’t no stoppin’ us now! Movin’ on up! What? He’s a nerdy white guy with a very misleading name? Oh, fuck him then.
Mike DeWine- DeWine has run a defense-heavy Senate campaign and pollsters attribute his low poll numbers to his lack of aggression. You know what the say, you got to crush some grapes to make De-Wine! Get it? Seriously, though, Mike DeWine is a major alcoholic and his wife just left him.
5. Montana- Jon Tester (D) v. Conrad Burns (R)
Jon Tester- Tester grew up on a farm in rural Montana where he lived a cowboy’s existence of herding cattle, shooting guns, and loving Jesus but not as much as he loved America. What he is doing in the Democratic party is a complete fucking mystery.
Conrad Burns- Conrad Burns has the lowest approval ratings of any Senator, he accepted millions of dollars illegally from Jack Abramoff, and he once said that terrorists “drive taxicabs during the daytime and kill at night”. He also laughed really hard when he heard about the Crocodile Hunter’s death.
6. Rhode Island- Sheldon Whitehouse (D) v. Lincoln Chafee (R)
Sheldon Whitehouse- Vote for me, I have the most embarrassing name.
Lincoln Chafee- No I do! Vote for me.
7. Virginia- James Webb (for election purposes D) v. George Allen (R)
James Webb- Webb, a decorated Vietnam veteran, is said to be “fighting for Virginia’s future”. However, as a Vietnam veteran, Webb is also fighting an invisible army of shit monsters that lurk in every shadow waiting to attack him and eat his still beating heart.
George Allen- “You know what’s a silly word” George Allen thought to himself one warm, summer day, “Macaca. That’s the silliest word I’ve ever made up. I think I’ll use it at my campaign stop today and make everyone laugh”. Allen has been asked to never “make up” any words ever again by the RNC.
8. Connecticut- Ned Lamont (D) v. Schlesinger (R) v. Joe Lieberman (I)
Joe Lieberman- That pudgy, little Jew Joe Lieberman got what was coming to him no matter how much it offends Al Franken. Lieberman lost the Democratic nomination because he is too conservative, too vain and too cozy with Bush; that’ll show him!...when he is comfortably re-elected in November.
Ned Lamont- Lamont astonished the nation when he beat Joe Lieberman to receive the Democratic nomination for Senate from Connecticut. What’s even more astonishing is that he managed to win despite being born with an asshole for a mouth. If you don’t believe me, look at a picture of him. He chews with his sphincter.
Schlesinger- Wait. There is a republican in this race? Besides Lieberman?
8 Most Competitive Senate Races
1. Tennessee- Harold Ford (D) v. Bob Corker (R)
Harold Ford- Imagine if Barack Obama quit Student Government and became a vicious, sadistic frat boy. Ford has also had controversy in his family life recently from his uncle’s federal indictment to his great-grandfather Henry’s “I don’t sell Model-T’s to Jews” ad campaign.
Bob Corker- More like Bob “Coke”er! Actually, we have no proof that the Chattanooga mayor does coke, but wouldn’t a coked out Senator make C-Span a lot more interesting? “No, you yield the fucking floor, skank!” “Motion to turn that song up: I just wanna fucking dance!”
2. Pennsylvania- Bob Casey (D) v. Rick Santorum (R)
Bob Casey- “Hello. My name is Bob Casey, my dad was a great governor, so I think I’ll be good at politics, too”. Well let me tell you something, Mr. Casey, in American, we don’t make “daddy’s little man” Senator. We make him President.
Rick Santorum- In college all the guys used to call Santorum “Sticky Ricky”. But now, after a certain infamous Dan Savage column, they call him “Sticky-biproduct-of-feces-sperm-blood-and-lube Ricky”.
3. Missouri- Claire McCaskill (D) v. Jim Talent (R)
Claire McCaskill- Total whore. Just, like, blowjobs, all the time, everywhere.
Jim Talent- To fill the Senate seat left vacant by the death of Democrat Mel Carnahan, Jim Talent beat Carnahan’s own widow who was running for her husband’s seat. Talent beat Carnahan’s widow with a brick wrapped in a t-shirt. This incident took place two weeks after Talent ironically “beat” Carnahan’s widow by receiving more votes than her in the election.
4. Ohio- Sherrod Brown (D) v. Mike DeWine (R)
Sherrod Brown- Sherrod Brown! Ooh, let’s get that fine, intelligent brother elected! Ain’t no stoppin’ us now! Movin’ on up! What? He’s a nerdy white guy with a very misleading name? Oh, fuck him then.
Mike DeWine- DeWine has run a defense-heavy Senate campaign and pollsters attribute his low poll numbers to his lack of aggression. You know what the say, you got to crush some grapes to make De-Wine! Get it? Seriously, though, Mike DeWine is a major alcoholic and his wife just left him.
5. Montana- Jon Tester (D) v. Conrad Burns (R)
Jon Tester- Tester grew up on a farm in rural Montana where he lived a cowboy’s existence of herding cattle, shooting guns, and loving Jesus but not as much as he loved America. What he is doing in the Democratic party is a complete fucking mystery.
Conrad Burns- Conrad Burns has the lowest approval ratings of any Senator, he accepted millions of dollars illegally from Jack Abramoff, and he once said that terrorists “drive taxicabs during the daytime and kill at night”. He also laughed really hard when he heard about the Crocodile Hunter’s death.
6. Rhode Island- Sheldon Whitehouse (D) v. Lincoln Chafee (R)
Sheldon Whitehouse- Vote for me, I have the most embarrassing name.
Lincoln Chafee- No I do! Vote for me.
7. Virginia- James Webb (for election purposes D) v. George Allen (R)
James Webb- Webb, a decorated Vietnam veteran, is said to be “fighting for Virginia’s future”. However, as a Vietnam veteran, Webb is also fighting an invisible army of shit monsters that lurk in every shadow waiting to attack him and eat his still beating heart.
George Allen- “You know what’s a silly word” George Allen thought to himself one warm, summer day, “Macaca. That’s the silliest word I’ve ever made up. I think I’ll use it at my campaign stop today and make everyone laugh”. Allen has been asked to never “make up” any words ever again by the RNC.
8. Connecticut- Ned Lamont (D) v. Schlesinger (R) v. Joe Lieberman (I)
Joe Lieberman- That pudgy, little Jew Joe Lieberman got what was coming to him no matter how much it offends Al Franken. Lieberman lost the Democratic nomination because he is too conservative, too vain and too cozy with Bush; that’ll show him!...when he is comfortably re-elected in November.
Ned Lamont- Lamont astonished the nation when he beat Joe Lieberman to receive the Democratic nomination for Senate from Connecticut. What’s even more astonishing is that he managed to win despite being born with an asshole for a mouth. If you don’t believe me, look at a picture of him. He chews with his sphincter.
Schlesinger- Wait. There is a republican in this race? Besides Lieberman?
Monday, October 5, 2009
Amusing Pseudonyms
Since starting at Carolines, I've been kind of getting my funnies out on there website, which you should totally go to: https://www.carolines.com/blog/ Its just that I had this thought recently that I knew I could only express right here.
Michael Grinspan's Top 6 Favorite and Most-Used Fake Names:
6) Hickory Explosion
5) Crystal Chandelier
4) Artemis von Fisticuffs
3) Darnlene Benedetto
2) Dawn Benedetto
1) Juan Pablo Gustavo Pablo Gustavo Jimenez
Michael Grinspan's Top 6 Favorite and Most-Used Fake Names:
6) Hickory Explosion
5) Crystal Chandelier
4) Artemis von Fisticuffs
3) Darnlene Benedetto
2) Dawn Benedetto
1) Juan Pablo Gustavo Pablo Gustavo Jimenez
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The Saddest Things to Have Sex for...
Over a bottle of wine the other night, my friend Kelly told the story of her friend Darcy, who reportedly had sex with a guy so that he would buy her dinner. Kelly then declared "the saddest thing in the world to have sex for is dinner." It started a heated debate. What is the saddest thing to have sex for? Here are my favorites:
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... DIAPERS
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... INSULIN
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... A RIDE HOME (based on a true story)
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... THE ANTIDOTE
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... BAIT (if you are having sex for bait, you are either a very dedicated fisherman or a very undedicated prostitute)
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... ROB SCHNEIDER'S AMUSEMENT
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... THE TIME
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... FREE! (Am I right, ladies?! Woo woo!)
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... DIAPERS
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... INSULIN
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... A RIDE HOME (based on a true story)
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... THE ANTIDOTE
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... BAIT (if you are having sex for bait, you are either a very dedicated fisherman or a very undedicated prostitute)
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... ROB SCHNEIDER'S AMUSEMENT
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... THE TIME
The saddest thing in the world to have sex for is ... FREE! (Am I right, ladies?! Woo woo!)
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Don Quijote and the Treasure of the Moors
I am working on a screen play and have decided to serialize it on my blog. The following is the first installment, Act I, scenes I through IV. Enjoy and let me know what you think!
Act I.
Scene I. DQ’s Library.
Fade in on a man reading in an ancient library. His face is handsome, architectural, and his eyes are in deep focus on a book. They dart back and forth rapidly.
A black page outline swoops across the screen and cut to:
A medieval moonscape. The ruins of a castle grows out of a craggily cliff, looming over a lake of fire. A beautiful, raven-haired princess is trapped on the highest wall, screaming – without sound – for help.
Cut to:
The eyes of the man in the chair stagger into focus; they have become blood-shot and frantic.
A second page swoop:
From the sulphurous mist at the foot of the castle a shadow begins to manifest. Slowly, malevolently a yellow-eyed, thick-scaled dragon ten-stories high emerges.
Cut to:
The man in the chair is now flop-sweating and speaking to himself.
A third page swoop:
POV shot of the castle off in the distance. The image is jostly and it pans out we see a knight charging on a mighty steed; the knight’s face is obscured by his helmet. The music swells as he charges towards a chasm that separates him from the castle. His steed leaps – in slow motion – over to the other side and continues his gallop at full speed.
Cut to:
The man in the chair is now shaking and is truly disturbed.
A fourth, fast page swoop:
The knight charges at the dragon, who has now reared up on his hind legs.
Cut to:
The princess appears socked, but she cannot turn away.
Cut to:
The man in the chair now looks as if he will burst.
A fifth, faster page swoop:
The knight is now in feet of the dragon.
Cut to:
The princess’ beautiful face.
Cut to:
The dragon’s wretched form.
Cut to:
The man’s eyes and their bursting blood vessels
Cut to:
The steed leaps in the air, the knight thrusts his lance into the dragon’s belly, and brilliant gold light is released, all in slow motion. The dragon is sent over the cliff and tumbles to his death.
Cut to:
The weeping princess, over-joyed, rushes to her savior. Just as the knight steps down from his steed, the Princess throws herself into his arms. She pulls back.
PRINCESS
Who are you?
KNIGHT
I…
Knight slips the helmet and reveals his identity. He is the man reading in the chair.
KNIGHT (CONT’D)
Am Don Quijote…de la Mancha!
Black out.
Scene II. Back in the Library
Don Quijote stands up in a daze, clutching his head. The room is spinning and excessive sunlight pours in through the leaded glass windows. As he gains his balance, the gravity and majesty of the revelation dawns on Don Quijote.
Cut to:
Don Quijote looks to his left and seeing a cane on his desk. A changes to POV shot, however, quickly morphs the cane into a golden lance. Don Quijote grabs the lance.
Don Quijote’s arm-chair has also been transformed, now a swirling, golden mass.
DQ looks at his lance, the music swells, and he steps on to the golden mass. DQ raise his lance over his head.
DON QUIJOTE
I am Don Quijote
DQ thrusts out his lance out and cries.
DON QUIJOTE (CONT’D)
De la Mancha!
The thrust sends DQ off balance. The music screeches to a halt, the light stops swirling, the chair flips over and DQ tumbles head first into the curtains. The curtains are dragged to the ground, pulling a suit of armor down with them.
Cut to:
POV shot of the armor crashing down. A large bang is heard.
Black out.
Scene III. The Make-shift Infirmary and Barn.
Don Quijote is sleeping in a light-filled room with white walls. The helmet from the suit of armor has become lodged on his head. DQ’s matronly old housekeeper Eugenia is nearby, folding linens. Enter DQ’s angelic niece, Sobrina, with a look of worry on her face.
SOBRINA
Eugenia, where did the barber and blacksmith go?
EUGENIA
They’re preparing a fire in the courtyard.
SOBRINA
And how is he? Any change in his…his…his condition? [She becomes weepy]
EUGENIA
Senora Sobrina, I keep telling you. He’s not hurt. That suit of armor just knocked him out. He’ll be fine.
SOBRINA
Oh uncle! [She throws her arms around DQ] Trapped in a helmet..forever!
EUGENIA
Silly girl. Its just stuck on his head.
SOBRINA
You put such a brave face on things, Eugenia. I want him [choke] I want him put out of his misery.
EUGENIA
What?
SOBRINA
What kind of life can he live?!
EUGENIA
A normal one.
SOBRINA
I know a dead man when I see one!
DQ begins to stir and speak.
DON QUIJOTE
I am…Quijote…I am…la Mancha.
Eugenia and Sobrina rush to DQ’s side. Sobrina grabs his hand and Eugenia produces a towel. Sobrina grabs the towel from Sobrina’s hand and begins to pat down his helmet.
DON QUIJOTE
I am…la Mancha…Quijote…
SOBRINA
Don’t go into the light!
EUGENIA
He’s not dying!
SOBRINA
That’s right. You’re not dying, uncle! You’re not dying!
Barber and Blacksmith burst in. Barber his holding a pot full of water. Blacksmith is carrying a red-hot iron with him.
BLACKSMITH
Coming through! Hot iron!
BARBER
Is he unconscious?
BLACKSMITH
I hope he’s unconscious!
BARBER
Wouldn’t want to wake up with a face full of molten lead!
Barber and Blacksmith laugh.
SOBRINA
Barber! Blacksmith! My uncle is at death’s door.
Eugenia rolls her eyes.
BARBER
Shouldn’t be too tough of a job.
Puts the bucket water on the side of the bed.
BARBER (CONT’D)
Not too tough at all. I’ll just hold his arms and Blacksmith here will slice through that helmet like a Portugeuse farmer through a donkey sausage!
Blacksmith and Barber burst out laughing. Barber restrains DQ’s arms.
EUGENIA
But what if he wakes up?
SOBRINA
Non-sense. Get it off him quickly, Blacksmith.
Blacksmith leans over DQ and takes his time lining up the bright-red tip on the iron with DQ’s left helmet cheek.
BLACKSMITH
We have to be very careful. On the count of three. One…two…
DON QUIJOTE
Dragon!!!
DQ kicks Blacksmith square in the crotch, sending him back and the iron tumbling point down into the bed. Sobrina and Eugenia scream.
DON QUIJOTE
[Thrashing violently] The dragon is eating my arm!!!
DQ grabs the iron and bashes Barber over the head with it. DQ leaps to his feet, now standing on the bed, helmet still on, brandishing the iron as a sword.
SOBRINA
Aaah!!! He’s dying!!!
EUGENIA
He’s not dying! He’s mad!!!
DON QUIJOTE
Hold your fire breath, Dragon!
Barber struggles with his injury as a choked up Blacksmith moves towards Don Quijote.
BARBER
Senor! Put down the iron.
BLACKSMITH
And don’t kick people in the crotch!
DON QUIJOTE
You dragons are all the same with your orders and your fire breath and your crotches. [To Sobrina and Eugenia] Don’t you start!
Sobrina screams. Eugenia grabs Sobrina with a maternal embrace.
EUGENIA
Senor, tranquilate. It is me, Eugenia, your maid. And Sobrina, your niece.
Blacksmiths advance of Don Quijote as he is distracted by Eugenia.
DON QUIJOTE
Sobrina? Eugenia? [Gasp] Damsels! Kidnapped by a dragon!
EUGENIA
What dragon? What are you talking about?
DON QUIJOTE
I’m talking about that!
Don Quijote leaps off the bed and starts swinging the red-hot poker wildly around the room. Blacksmith, Barber, Sobrina, and Eugenia make a mad dash for cover as DQ breaks tables, destroys tapestries, etc. all while shouting “Cowardly beast” and “Spiteful lizard.” Don Quijote takes a few more swings and then, using the iron as a lance, hurls it through a window.
DON QUIJOTE
Escape through the window, will you? Prepare to be destroyed!
DQ takes a running start and leaps directly through the remains of the window. DQ lands in a crouch on the desiccated lawn. Before him is a rolling hill, a barn, and a plain stretching out for miles ahead.
Cut to:
DQ lifts up his visor and quickly surveys the land.
Cut to:
POV shot transforms the farmland into the medieval moonscape from the story. DQ, now seen in full armor, rushes down the hill.
Cut to:
Barber, Blacksmith, Eugenia, and Sobrina in the now ruined kitchen. They are all terrified. A brief pause is broken as the bed collapses noisily.
EUGENIA
Save him! He’s not in his right mind!
Barber and Blacksmith pull themselves up and rush out the kitchen door. They spot DQ running a few dozen yards ahead of them; he is now running around in flimsy undergarments and a helmet. They begin to chase him down the hill but DQ is running at an impressive speed.
Cut to:
DQ’s eyes light up and the shot switches to his perspective. POV of a scaly green tale flickering and disappearing behind the barn.
DON QUIJOTE
Stop! Stop I say!
Barber and Blacksmith are now running full speed, catching up to DQ.
BARBER
Señor! Stop! Stop I say!
DQ turns a corner and reaches a closed barn door. DQ quickly surveys the situation. An axe, a club, and an awl all lying within feet of the door. DQ pauses, scratches the chin of his helmet, and proceeds instead to throw his full weight against the door, breaking it open and crashing into the ram-shackled barn.
Cut to:
Interior of the barn. DQ looks around wildly, but sees nothing. Suddenly a stirring comes from the back of the barn. DQ quickly seizes a shovel.
DON QUIJOTE
Out dragon! Show your scaly self!
Out from the back of the barn comes the wiriest, leatheriest horse you have ever scene; he looks as if he has not been fed in weeks. DQ’s eyes open wide.
Cut to:
POV has transformed the horse into a glowing, muscular white steed.
DON QUIJOTE
Rocinante! [Drops the shovel] The mighty steed of yore!
New, wider shot of Rocinante, who has changed back to normal and belches out a cough. Suddenly, Barber and Blacksmith burst through the door.
BLACKSMITH
Señor! Señor, step away from the…the…the dog?
BARBER
The jamon?
DON QUIJOTE
He’s a mighty steed. A dragon fighter.
BLACKSMITH
Señor, there is no dragon. You suffered a blow to the head.
DON QUIJOTE
[Incredulous] Blow to the head?
BARBER
Yes. The blow released many evil humors and you’re in hysterics. Now we need to get hundreds of leaches on your skull or you will die.
Don Quijote offers a puzzled, reluctant look.
BLACKSMITH
He is a doctor, Señor.
BARBER
Yes. Top medicine. Real 16th century stuff.
DON QUIJOTE
I…but…the dragon.
The Barber slowly and calmly approaches a now bewildered Don Quijote.
BARBER
Shhhh. Señor, there is no dragon.
DON QUIJOTE
No dragon? Preposterous. Next you’ll say there are no knights. Or chivalry is dead.
Barber takes DQ’s arm.
BARBER
There are no knights. No chivalry. Just us. In a barn.
DON QUIJOTE
But…I…
BARBER
Come with us, Señor. You’ve had enough adventure for one day…
The barn door swings open with a whack. A farm laborer appears.
LABORER
Good ‘morrow Señor…
DONQ QUIJOTE
Dragon!!!
DQ throws Barber to the ground and leaps on to Rocinante, who lets out some dirt as he weezes.
BLACKSMITH
Señor, no!!!
DQ grabs a broom from the wall, kicks Rocinante, and the horse charges, albeit lop-sidedly, at the door. DQ thrusts the broom out as a lance and heads straight for the laborer. The laborer ducks just in time and DQ takes out a chunk of the door instead as he crashes out of the barn.
Cut to:
The Barber and the Blacksmith’s now share a horrified look on their faces.
Cut to:
Exterior. DQ is riding full clip and screaming. Cut to a POV shot of a leathery green tail flitting around the tree, heading down into the sparse pasture. DQ charges on.
Cut to:
Blacksmith and Barber have run to the stable, which is an adjacent building. They grab two horses, quickly climb on top and charge off after DQ, heading at full speed down the hill towards the pasture.
Scene IV. Out on the Pasture.
The scene opens on a valiant knight, riding at a terrific clip atop his mighty steed framed against the medieval moonscape. As the rider continues, though, the knight devloves into DQ, the steed devolves into the emaciated, wobbly Rocinante, and the moonscape devolves into a craggily pasture.
Barber and Blacksmith are behind DQ by some yards, riding much healthier horses and closing in on DQ fast.
BARBER
We’re closing in!
BLACKSMITH
Of course we are! He’s riding a goat!
The shot changes such that we see DQ riding up front and Barber and Blacksmith closing in from behind. The shot narrows in on DQ’s eyes and quickly changes to his POV. The mountainscape is back and a yawning chasm opens up before him, some 100 yards ahead.
Cut to:
Back to Barber and Blacksmith. Blacksmith’s eyes light up at something ahead of him. Blacksmith’s POV reveals that the three really are riding at full speed towards a 20-foot wide canyon with a river running below it.
BLACKSMITH
The rio!
BARBER
What?
BLACKSMITH
The rio! The canyon is right ahead!
BARBER
Madre de dios!
Barber and Blacksmith whip the reigns and close in on DQ. DQ also whips his reigns.
Cut to:
A wide shot of DQ approaching the river and Barber and Blacksmith closing in to within feet of DQ.
BARBER
Señor! Stop!
BLACKSMITH
Parate hijo puta!
The three men charge closer and closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. DQ squints his eyes, lowers his head and forces Rocinante to charge off the cliff.
Cut to:
Barber and Blacksmith screeching to a halt at the rim of the canyon.
Cut to:
Rocinante leaps over the cliff in slow motion, exactly as the steed did in the story. Time speeds up back to normal as Rocinante, amazingly, lands on the other side of the small canyon, continuing his wobbly gallop at full pace. DQ laughs triumphantly as Barber and Blacksmith fade into the background, trapped on the opposite side of the river. DQ lifts his visor.
DON QUIJOTE
I am Don Quijote..de la Mancha!
DQ rides off into the distance. The Spanish sky begins to turn orange as DQ rides into the sunset.
Act I.
Scene I. DQ’s Library.
Fade in on a man reading in an ancient library. His face is handsome, architectural, and his eyes are in deep focus on a book. They dart back and forth rapidly.
A black page outline swoops across the screen and cut to:
A medieval moonscape. The ruins of a castle grows out of a craggily cliff, looming over a lake of fire. A beautiful, raven-haired princess is trapped on the highest wall, screaming – without sound – for help.
Cut to:
The eyes of the man in the chair stagger into focus; they have become blood-shot and frantic.
A second page swoop:
From the sulphurous mist at the foot of the castle a shadow begins to manifest. Slowly, malevolently a yellow-eyed, thick-scaled dragon ten-stories high emerges.
Cut to:
The man in the chair is now flop-sweating and speaking to himself.
A third page swoop:
POV shot of the castle off in the distance. The image is jostly and it pans out we see a knight charging on a mighty steed; the knight’s face is obscured by his helmet. The music swells as he charges towards a chasm that separates him from the castle. His steed leaps – in slow motion – over to the other side and continues his gallop at full speed.
Cut to:
The man in the chair is now shaking and is truly disturbed.
A fourth, fast page swoop:
The knight charges at the dragon, who has now reared up on his hind legs.
Cut to:
The princess appears socked, but she cannot turn away.
Cut to:
The man in the chair now looks as if he will burst.
A fifth, faster page swoop:
The knight is now in feet of the dragon.
Cut to:
The princess’ beautiful face.
Cut to:
The dragon’s wretched form.
Cut to:
The man’s eyes and their bursting blood vessels
Cut to:
The steed leaps in the air, the knight thrusts his lance into the dragon’s belly, and brilliant gold light is released, all in slow motion. The dragon is sent over the cliff and tumbles to his death.
Cut to:
The weeping princess, over-joyed, rushes to her savior. Just as the knight steps down from his steed, the Princess throws herself into his arms. She pulls back.
PRINCESS
Who are you?
KNIGHT
I…
Knight slips the helmet and reveals his identity. He is the man reading in the chair.
KNIGHT (CONT’D)
Am Don Quijote…de la Mancha!
Black out.
Scene II. Back in the Library
Don Quijote stands up in a daze, clutching his head. The room is spinning and excessive sunlight pours in through the leaded glass windows. As he gains his balance, the gravity and majesty of the revelation dawns on Don Quijote.
Cut to:
Don Quijote looks to his left and seeing a cane on his desk. A changes to POV shot, however, quickly morphs the cane into a golden lance. Don Quijote grabs the lance.
Don Quijote’s arm-chair has also been transformed, now a swirling, golden mass.
DQ looks at his lance, the music swells, and he steps on to the golden mass. DQ raise his lance over his head.
DON QUIJOTE
I am Don Quijote
DQ thrusts out his lance out and cries.
DON QUIJOTE (CONT’D)
De la Mancha!
The thrust sends DQ off balance. The music screeches to a halt, the light stops swirling, the chair flips over and DQ tumbles head first into the curtains. The curtains are dragged to the ground, pulling a suit of armor down with them.
Cut to:
POV shot of the armor crashing down. A large bang is heard.
Black out.
Scene III. The Make-shift Infirmary and Barn.
Don Quijote is sleeping in a light-filled room with white walls. The helmet from the suit of armor has become lodged on his head. DQ’s matronly old housekeeper Eugenia is nearby, folding linens. Enter DQ’s angelic niece, Sobrina, with a look of worry on her face.
SOBRINA
Eugenia, where did the barber and blacksmith go?
EUGENIA
They’re preparing a fire in the courtyard.
SOBRINA
And how is he? Any change in his…his…his condition? [She becomes weepy]
EUGENIA
Senora Sobrina, I keep telling you. He’s not hurt. That suit of armor just knocked him out. He’ll be fine.
SOBRINA
Oh uncle! [She throws her arms around DQ] Trapped in a helmet..forever!
EUGENIA
Silly girl. Its just stuck on his head.
SOBRINA
You put such a brave face on things, Eugenia. I want him [choke] I want him put out of his misery.
EUGENIA
What?
SOBRINA
What kind of life can he live?!
EUGENIA
A normal one.
SOBRINA
I know a dead man when I see one!
DQ begins to stir and speak.
DON QUIJOTE
I am…Quijote…I am…la Mancha.
Eugenia and Sobrina rush to DQ’s side. Sobrina grabs his hand and Eugenia produces a towel. Sobrina grabs the towel from Sobrina’s hand and begins to pat down his helmet.
DON QUIJOTE
I am…la Mancha…Quijote…
SOBRINA
Don’t go into the light!
EUGENIA
He’s not dying!
SOBRINA
That’s right. You’re not dying, uncle! You’re not dying!
Barber and Blacksmith burst in. Barber his holding a pot full of water. Blacksmith is carrying a red-hot iron with him.
BLACKSMITH
Coming through! Hot iron!
BARBER
Is he unconscious?
BLACKSMITH
I hope he’s unconscious!
BARBER
Wouldn’t want to wake up with a face full of molten lead!
Barber and Blacksmith laugh.
SOBRINA
Barber! Blacksmith! My uncle is at death’s door.
Eugenia rolls her eyes.
BARBER
Shouldn’t be too tough of a job.
Puts the bucket water on the side of the bed.
BARBER (CONT’D)
Not too tough at all. I’ll just hold his arms and Blacksmith here will slice through that helmet like a Portugeuse farmer through a donkey sausage!
Blacksmith and Barber burst out laughing. Barber restrains DQ’s arms.
EUGENIA
But what if he wakes up?
SOBRINA
Non-sense. Get it off him quickly, Blacksmith.
Blacksmith leans over DQ and takes his time lining up the bright-red tip on the iron with DQ’s left helmet cheek.
BLACKSMITH
We have to be very careful. On the count of three. One…two…
DON QUIJOTE
Dragon!!!
DQ kicks Blacksmith square in the crotch, sending him back and the iron tumbling point down into the bed. Sobrina and Eugenia scream.
DON QUIJOTE
[Thrashing violently] The dragon is eating my arm!!!
DQ grabs the iron and bashes Barber over the head with it. DQ leaps to his feet, now standing on the bed, helmet still on, brandishing the iron as a sword.
SOBRINA
Aaah!!! He’s dying!!!
EUGENIA
He’s not dying! He’s mad!!!
DON QUIJOTE
Hold your fire breath, Dragon!
Barber struggles with his injury as a choked up Blacksmith moves towards Don Quijote.
BARBER
Senor! Put down the iron.
BLACKSMITH
And don’t kick people in the crotch!
DON QUIJOTE
You dragons are all the same with your orders and your fire breath and your crotches. [To Sobrina and Eugenia] Don’t you start!
Sobrina screams. Eugenia grabs Sobrina with a maternal embrace.
EUGENIA
Senor, tranquilate. It is me, Eugenia, your maid. And Sobrina, your niece.
Blacksmiths advance of Don Quijote as he is distracted by Eugenia.
DON QUIJOTE
Sobrina? Eugenia? [Gasp] Damsels! Kidnapped by a dragon!
EUGENIA
What dragon? What are you talking about?
DON QUIJOTE
I’m talking about that!
Don Quijote leaps off the bed and starts swinging the red-hot poker wildly around the room. Blacksmith, Barber, Sobrina, and Eugenia make a mad dash for cover as DQ breaks tables, destroys tapestries, etc. all while shouting “Cowardly beast” and “Spiteful lizard.” Don Quijote takes a few more swings and then, using the iron as a lance, hurls it through a window.
DON QUIJOTE
Escape through the window, will you? Prepare to be destroyed!
DQ takes a running start and leaps directly through the remains of the window. DQ lands in a crouch on the desiccated lawn. Before him is a rolling hill, a barn, and a plain stretching out for miles ahead.
Cut to:
DQ lifts up his visor and quickly surveys the land.
Cut to:
POV shot transforms the farmland into the medieval moonscape from the story. DQ, now seen in full armor, rushes down the hill.
Cut to:
Barber, Blacksmith, Eugenia, and Sobrina in the now ruined kitchen. They are all terrified. A brief pause is broken as the bed collapses noisily.
EUGENIA
Save him! He’s not in his right mind!
Barber and Blacksmith pull themselves up and rush out the kitchen door. They spot DQ running a few dozen yards ahead of them; he is now running around in flimsy undergarments and a helmet. They begin to chase him down the hill but DQ is running at an impressive speed.
Cut to:
DQ’s eyes light up and the shot switches to his perspective. POV of a scaly green tale flickering and disappearing behind the barn.
DON QUIJOTE
Stop! Stop I say!
Barber and Blacksmith are now running full speed, catching up to DQ.
BARBER
Señor! Stop! Stop I say!
DQ turns a corner and reaches a closed barn door. DQ quickly surveys the situation. An axe, a club, and an awl all lying within feet of the door. DQ pauses, scratches the chin of his helmet, and proceeds instead to throw his full weight against the door, breaking it open and crashing into the ram-shackled barn.
Cut to:
Interior of the barn. DQ looks around wildly, but sees nothing. Suddenly a stirring comes from the back of the barn. DQ quickly seizes a shovel.
DON QUIJOTE
Out dragon! Show your scaly self!
Out from the back of the barn comes the wiriest, leatheriest horse you have ever scene; he looks as if he has not been fed in weeks. DQ’s eyes open wide.
Cut to:
POV has transformed the horse into a glowing, muscular white steed.
DON QUIJOTE
Rocinante! [Drops the shovel] The mighty steed of yore!
New, wider shot of Rocinante, who has changed back to normal and belches out a cough. Suddenly, Barber and Blacksmith burst through the door.
BLACKSMITH
Señor! Señor, step away from the…the…the dog?
BARBER
The jamon?
DON QUIJOTE
He’s a mighty steed. A dragon fighter.
BLACKSMITH
Señor, there is no dragon. You suffered a blow to the head.
DON QUIJOTE
[Incredulous] Blow to the head?
BARBER
Yes. The blow released many evil humors and you’re in hysterics. Now we need to get hundreds of leaches on your skull or you will die.
Don Quijote offers a puzzled, reluctant look.
BLACKSMITH
He is a doctor, Señor.
BARBER
Yes. Top medicine. Real 16th century stuff.
DON QUIJOTE
I…but…the dragon.
The Barber slowly and calmly approaches a now bewildered Don Quijote.
BARBER
Shhhh. Señor, there is no dragon.
DON QUIJOTE
No dragon? Preposterous. Next you’ll say there are no knights. Or chivalry is dead.
Barber takes DQ’s arm.
BARBER
There are no knights. No chivalry. Just us. In a barn.
DON QUIJOTE
But…I…
BARBER
Come with us, Señor. You’ve had enough adventure for one day…
The barn door swings open with a whack. A farm laborer appears.
LABORER
Good ‘morrow Señor…
DONQ QUIJOTE
Dragon!!!
DQ throws Barber to the ground and leaps on to Rocinante, who lets out some dirt as he weezes.
BLACKSMITH
Señor, no!!!
DQ grabs a broom from the wall, kicks Rocinante, and the horse charges, albeit lop-sidedly, at the door. DQ thrusts the broom out as a lance and heads straight for the laborer. The laborer ducks just in time and DQ takes out a chunk of the door instead as he crashes out of the barn.
Cut to:
The Barber and the Blacksmith’s now share a horrified look on their faces.
Cut to:
Exterior. DQ is riding full clip and screaming. Cut to a POV shot of a leathery green tail flitting around the tree, heading down into the sparse pasture. DQ charges on.
Cut to:
Blacksmith and Barber have run to the stable, which is an adjacent building. They grab two horses, quickly climb on top and charge off after DQ, heading at full speed down the hill towards the pasture.
Scene IV. Out on the Pasture.
The scene opens on a valiant knight, riding at a terrific clip atop his mighty steed framed against the medieval moonscape. As the rider continues, though, the knight devloves into DQ, the steed devolves into the emaciated, wobbly Rocinante, and the moonscape devolves into a craggily pasture.
Barber and Blacksmith are behind DQ by some yards, riding much healthier horses and closing in on DQ fast.
BARBER
We’re closing in!
BLACKSMITH
Of course we are! He’s riding a goat!
The shot changes such that we see DQ riding up front and Barber and Blacksmith closing in from behind. The shot narrows in on DQ’s eyes and quickly changes to his POV. The mountainscape is back and a yawning chasm opens up before him, some 100 yards ahead.
Cut to:
Back to Barber and Blacksmith. Blacksmith’s eyes light up at something ahead of him. Blacksmith’s POV reveals that the three really are riding at full speed towards a 20-foot wide canyon with a river running below it.
BLACKSMITH
The rio!
BARBER
What?
BLACKSMITH
The rio! The canyon is right ahead!
BARBER
Madre de dios!
Barber and Blacksmith whip the reigns and close in on DQ. DQ also whips his reigns.
Cut to:
A wide shot of DQ approaching the river and Barber and Blacksmith closing in to within feet of DQ.
BARBER
Señor! Stop!
BLACKSMITH
Parate hijo puta!
The three men charge closer and closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. DQ squints his eyes, lowers his head and forces Rocinante to charge off the cliff.
Cut to:
Barber and Blacksmith screeching to a halt at the rim of the canyon.
Cut to:
Rocinante leaps over the cliff in slow motion, exactly as the steed did in the story. Time speeds up back to normal as Rocinante, amazingly, lands on the other side of the small canyon, continuing his wobbly gallop at full pace. DQ laughs triumphantly as Barber and Blacksmith fade into the background, trapped on the opposite side of the river. DQ lifts his visor.
DON QUIJOTE
I am Don Quijote..de la Mancha!
DQ rides off into the distance. The Spanish sky begins to turn orange as DQ rides into the sunset.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tips for Picking a New Supreme Court Justice
Hot on the heels of Justice David Souter's departure, rumors abound that 89-year old Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is planning his eminent retirement (slash death). The day is not far off when Barack Obama will have to pick his second Supreme Court Justice. With all fairness in mind, I would like to offer him the following tips:
Mold them in your image -
“Supreme Court justice” is a lifetime title and they act as a lasting legacy of each presidential administration. Reagan? He picked a solid, loyal conservative like himself William Rehnquist to steer the court. Eisenhower? He selected a moderate in the mold of himself like Earl Warren to bring to court together. And Nixon? He chose the ever-controversial face-eating vampire Count Viletooth to make sure his own interests would always have a place on the court. Three presidents and three excellent choice, except of course, for Count Viletooth, who was expelled from the court for killing and gorging upon the flesh of Debbie Roe, from the famous Roe v. Wade case, after ruling against her.
Pick someone you will be comfortable with -
Picking a new Supreme Court justice isn’t like buying a new puppy for the family; unlike a puppy, if the justice doesn’t work, you can’t beat it to death with a shovel in the back yard. Each president must select a justice that he (I deliberately say “he”, and not the gay “he or she”) is and will forever be comfortable with. My suggestion? When selecting a new Supreme Court justice, stand naked with them for an hour during the interview. If either you giggle or if they giggle, they’re probably not the best person for the job. But if you can stand naked in front of them for an hour without the nakedness becoming a distraction and without vomiting at the sight of their wrinkled, dilapidated form, hire them on the spot.
They've gotta have a good name -
As a History Major, trust me on this one. you're going to want to pick the person you know with the most embarrassing old-timey name that you can find. FDR picked associate justice Wiley B. Rutledge. Lincoln picked Salmon P. Chase and Jefferson picked Brockholst Livingston. So if you know a good lawyer named something like Hickory Explosion or Zebulon Artemis Fisticuffs, hire them immediately.
Make sure they are loyal -
Loyalty cannot be overrated. Case in point, Lyndon Johnson named his personal lawyer Abe Fortas to the bench after a night of Tequila shots and sloppy make-out sessions. Don’t pick any one for the job unless they are willing to give you, like, at least a quick handie in the oval office when you are feeling down.
Everybody loves a minority! -
Well, not all minorities. Don’t pick anyone with an accent or, you know, a goofy lookin’ ethnic face. The first minority on the court, Louis Brandeis, who was a Jew, was actually quite a good pick. That is, up until he was expelled from the bench for being the only justice to support Romans in the landmark case of Jesus v. Crucifix. In memoriam of this historic event, Brandeis College was founded outside of Boston, where you ugly, nebishy cousin Shira goes today. Lyndon Johnson picked Thurgood Marshall, the first black man on the court, with the condition that he would mop the floors of the court when session was over. But Marshall made good and became an important figure in the history of civil rights. Fortunately, Clarence Thomas has eroded all of those important steps forward that Marshall made for African- Americans. And there was Sandra D. No, not from Grease! Sandra Day O’Connor. Her choice as the first female Supreme Court justice was part of a promise Reagan made in the election of 1980 to “put some tits on the Supreme Court”. But O’Connor has chosen to be a great pick, known for moderate social stance. Except she really can’t trusted to make proper legal decisions four days a month. Its just science.
I hope that these tips will give our President some much needed incite into picking his next Supreme Court justice.
Mold them in your image -
“Supreme Court justice” is a lifetime title and they act as a lasting legacy of each presidential administration. Reagan? He picked a solid, loyal conservative like himself William Rehnquist to steer the court. Eisenhower? He selected a moderate in the mold of himself like Earl Warren to bring to court together. And Nixon? He chose the ever-controversial face-eating vampire Count Viletooth to make sure his own interests would always have a place on the court. Three presidents and three excellent choice, except of course, for Count Viletooth, who was expelled from the court for killing and gorging upon the flesh of Debbie Roe, from the famous Roe v. Wade case, after ruling against her.
Pick someone you will be comfortable with -
Picking a new Supreme Court justice isn’t like buying a new puppy for the family; unlike a puppy, if the justice doesn’t work, you can’t beat it to death with a shovel in the back yard. Each president must select a justice that he (I deliberately say “he”, and not the gay “he or she”) is and will forever be comfortable with. My suggestion? When selecting a new Supreme Court justice, stand naked with them for an hour during the interview. If either you giggle or if they giggle, they’re probably not the best person for the job. But if you can stand naked in front of them for an hour without the nakedness becoming a distraction and without vomiting at the sight of their wrinkled, dilapidated form, hire them on the spot.
They've gotta have a good name -
As a History Major, trust me on this one. you're going to want to pick the person you know with the most embarrassing old-timey name that you can find. FDR picked associate justice Wiley B. Rutledge. Lincoln picked Salmon P. Chase and Jefferson picked Brockholst Livingston. So if you know a good lawyer named something like Hickory Explosion or Zebulon Artemis Fisticuffs, hire them immediately.
Make sure they are loyal -
Loyalty cannot be overrated. Case in point, Lyndon Johnson named his personal lawyer Abe Fortas to the bench after a night of Tequila shots and sloppy make-out sessions. Don’t pick any one for the job unless they are willing to give you, like, at least a quick handie in the oval office when you are feeling down.
Everybody loves a minority! -
Well, not all minorities. Don’t pick anyone with an accent or, you know, a goofy lookin’ ethnic face. The first minority on the court, Louis Brandeis, who was a Jew, was actually quite a good pick. That is, up until he was expelled from the bench for being the only justice to support Romans in the landmark case of Jesus v. Crucifix. In memoriam of this historic event, Brandeis College was founded outside of Boston, where you ugly, nebishy cousin Shira goes today. Lyndon Johnson picked Thurgood Marshall, the first black man on the court, with the condition that he would mop the floors of the court when session was over. But Marshall made good and became an important figure in the history of civil rights. Fortunately, Clarence Thomas has eroded all of those important steps forward that Marshall made for African- Americans. And there was Sandra D. No, not from Grease! Sandra Day O’Connor. Her choice as the first female Supreme Court justice was part of a promise Reagan made in the election of 1980 to “put some tits on the Supreme Court”. But O’Connor has chosen to be a great pick, known for moderate social stance. Except she really can’t trusted to make proper legal decisions four days a month. Its just science.
I hope that these tips will give our President some much needed incite into picking his next Supreme Court justice.
Its been a looooooong week
Its been a long week and I am pretty tapped out, but I wanted to share this absolute gem with you. It comes from Jerry Lewis' Labor Day Muscular Dystrophy Telethon; it is Charo perform Rihanna's "Please Don't Stop the Music." No, really; this actually happened. In fact, it is so popular that next year Ann Margaret is going to perform "Poker Face." But isn't Ann Margaret dead, you say? Well thats what you said about Charo... Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiI2FzZIn80
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiI2FzZIn80
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Encyclopedia Grinspanica, entries #125, 6,891, and 12,212
The Encyclopedia Grinspanica - "A compendium of REAL knowledge"
Starbucks Coffee – A series of public restrooms started in Seattle in 1971. With over 16,000 locations worldwide, Starbucks is home to more peeing, defecating, baby changing, cocaine snorting, and OKCupid-arranged fornicating than any private institution in the world. And while Starbucks publicly claims to be a chain of coffee houses, the coffee is really only served for its diuretic and laxative purposes, thereby increasing demand for their lavatories.
Birds of Paradise – The prime example of transexuality in birds. As with many human trannies, the “male” members of the Paradisaeidae family are also characterized by their garish-come-brilliant colors, outrageous behavior, and loitering outside of Papua New Guinean gay clubs. Similarly, “male” Birds of Paradise are also known for their elaborate courtship dances, which involve rhythmic thrusting of their brightly colored genitals at potential mates – known scientifically as “Johns” – often times set to the Britney Spears’ song “Womanizer.”
Coconut – A tree-dwelling mammal. To be considered a “mammal,“ an organism must possess both milk and hair, which the coconut has in spades. The coconut is therefore one of the most common mammals, often found high up in palm trees, striking in a motionless, statue-like pose. There is a frequent misconception that the coconut is a seed or a fruit; that is as entirely wrong. This ubiquitous misconception leads millions of vegetarians to eat Mounds Bars and Samoas Girl Scout Cookies, unintentionally making them as hypocritical as they are shrill.
Starbucks Coffee – A series of public restrooms started in Seattle in 1971. With over 16,000 locations worldwide, Starbucks is home to more peeing, defecating, baby changing, cocaine snorting, and OKCupid-arranged fornicating than any private institution in the world. And while Starbucks publicly claims to be a chain of coffee houses, the coffee is really only served for its diuretic and laxative purposes, thereby increasing demand for their lavatories.
Birds of Paradise – The prime example of transexuality in birds. As with many human trannies, the “male” members of the Paradisaeidae family are also characterized by their garish-come-brilliant colors, outrageous behavior, and loitering outside of Papua New Guinean gay clubs. Similarly, “male” Birds of Paradise are also known for their elaborate courtship dances, which involve rhythmic thrusting of their brightly colored genitals at potential mates – known scientifically as “Johns” – often times set to the Britney Spears’ song “Womanizer.”
Coconut – A tree-dwelling mammal. To be considered a “mammal,“ an organism must possess both milk and hair, which the coconut has in spades. The coconut is therefore one of the most common mammals, often found high up in palm trees, striking in a motionless, statue-like pose. There is a frequent misconception that the coconut is a seed or a fruit; that is as entirely wrong. This ubiquitous misconception leads millions of vegetarians to eat Mounds Bars and Samoas Girl Scout Cookies, unintentionally making them as hypocritical as they are shrill.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Zagat's for Drug Dealers
ZAGATSURVEY
2007/2008
NEW YORK METRO AREA DRUG DEALERS
Ratings- Each rating is from 0-30, with 0 being the absolute worst and 30 being the absolute best
[P] for drug purity
[C] for condition of the car/home in which drugs are bought
[N] for likelihood that they are not a narc
[K] for likelihood that they are not going to kill you
Paco (Cocaine) [21] [6] [27] [25]
Marion Barry Towers, Apartment 18B, Brooklyn, NY
Paco, a “low level distributor” for the Cali cartel, offers “relatively good quality” cocaine for “fair prices”, providing you are willing to get into in his 1987 Honda Tercel that looks as if “Pablo Escobar had personally blown it up several times.” Those customers “willing to brave” Paco’s “hooptie from hell” will be met with a “surprisingly” pure product, but always be sure to “check the dime bag” for the severed fingers of “uppity Colombian coca farmers.”
Skeeter (Meth) [10] [8] [29] [5]
The shack behind the Dairy Queen, Bumblefuck, NY
Skeeter’s meth lab “gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘shabby chic’” with its “blood covered Bunsen burners,” “garbage-filled refrigerators,” and a pile of open Sudafed boxes that’s “higher than Skeeter’s clientele.” Despite Skeeter’s “obvious, crippling addiction” and “meth induced tremors” you can be reassured by his guarantee that his lab has “almost never exploded” and that he “almost always uses cough-syrup” to cut his product rather than “cheaper but more poisonous OxyClean.” Despite all of Skeeter’s “obvious problems” you can take heart in knowing “that there is no chance in hell” that Skeeter is a narc because “he has no teeth” and “is covered in open wounds” and “no narc would be that dedicated.”
Noam (Ecstasy) [28] [28] [15] [29]
Trump Palace, Apartment 2902, New York, NY
This self-proclaimed Ecstasy “king pin” gets his product “direct from Tel Aviv” and as a result offers an “intriguing” and “enticing” selection of fresh daily specials, including “Louis Vuitton pills” and pills signed by “your favorite band” Daft Punk. Noam shows up to your house “BMW Z4” wearing his ubiquitous “fully unbuttoned Versace gold-lame shirt” and assuming he isn’t “all coked out” or on his way over to “club Untz Untz” you can expect very professional service. But “don’t be fooled by the techno”, because underneath his “Night at the Roxbury” exterior, Noam “is just a nice Jew boy” and once he is pinched by the DEA he will “sing like his Grandfather the cantor” so make sure to use an alias when buying.
Babylon [Agent O’Toole] (“Drugs”) [19] [26] [0] [0]
Washington Square Park, New York, NY
“If you are looking to get arrested” then there is “no one better” in all of New York City than Babylon, the 6’4” white, “dreaded”, “Jamaican” who sells in Washington Square Park “in broad day light” to “any 14-year old dumb enough to buy from him.” But for those “sk8r bois” willing to buy unspecified “drugs” from “an Irish guy in a Halloween wig,” always remember to repeat your drug requests “loudly and clearly into his dreads” which are reportedly “better miked than the CNN news room.” Once you purchase drugs from Babylon, you can expect to spend “2 to 5 years” in a “cramped”, “minimalist” cell in Attica State Penitentiary. The trick is to “drop the first mothafucka” that “looks at your body with greedy eyes,” to earn the respect of your fellow inmates.
2007/2008
NEW YORK METRO AREA DRUG DEALERS
Ratings- Each rating is from 0-30, with 0 being the absolute worst and 30 being the absolute best
[P] for drug purity
[C] for condition of the car/home in which drugs are bought
[N] for likelihood that they are not a narc
[K] for likelihood that they are not going to kill you
Paco (Cocaine) [21] [6] [27] [25]
Marion Barry Towers, Apartment 18B, Brooklyn, NY
Paco, a “low level distributor” for the Cali cartel, offers “relatively good quality” cocaine for “fair prices”, providing you are willing to get into in his 1987 Honda Tercel that looks as if “Pablo Escobar had personally blown it up several times.” Those customers “willing to brave” Paco’s “hooptie from hell” will be met with a “surprisingly” pure product, but always be sure to “check the dime bag” for the severed fingers of “uppity Colombian coca farmers.”
Skeeter (Meth) [10] [8] [29] [5]
The shack behind the Dairy Queen, Bumblefuck, NY
Skeeter’s meth lab “gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘shabby chic’” with its “blood covered Bunsen burners,” “garbage-filled refrigerators,” and a pile of open Sudafed boxes that’s “higher than Skeeter’s clientele.” Despite Skeeter’s “obvious, crippling addiction” and “meth induced tremors” you can be reassured by his guarantee that his lab has “almost never exploded” and that he “almost always uses cough-syrup” to cut his product rather than “cheaper but more poisonous OxyClean.” Despite all of Skeeter’s “obvious problems” you can take heart in knowing “that there is no chance in hell” that Skeeter is a narc because “he has no teeth” and “is covered in open wounds” and “no narc would be that dedicated.”
Noam (Ecstasy) [28] [28] [15] [29]
Trump Palace, Apartment 2902, New York, NY
This self-proclaimed Ecstasy “king pin” gets his product “direct from Tel Aviv” and as a result offers an “intriguing” and “enticing” selection of fresh daily specials, including “Louis Vuitton pills” and pills signed by “your favorite band” Daft Punk. Noam shows up to your house “BMW Z4” wearing his ubiquitous “fully unbuttoned Versace gold-lame shirt” and assuming he isn’t “all coked out” or on his way over to “club Untz Untz” you can expect very professional service. But “don’t be fooled by the techno”, because underneath his “Night at the Roxbury” exterior, Noam “is just a nice Jew boy” and once he is pinched by the DEA he will “sing like his Grandfather the cantor” so make sure to use an alias when buying.
Babylon [Agent O’Toole] (“Drugs”) [19] [26] [0] [0]
Washington Square Park, New York, NY
“If you are looking to get arrested” then there is “no one better” in all of New York City than Babylon, the 6’4” white, “dreaded”, “Jamaican” who sells in Washington Square Park “in broad day light” to “any 14-year old dumb enough to buy from him.” But for those “sk8r bois” willing to buy unspecified “drugs” from “an Irish guy in a Halloween wig,” always remember to repeat your drug requests “loudly and clearly into his dreads” which are reportedly “better miked than the CNN news room.” Once you purchase drugs from Babylon, you can expect to spend “2 to 5 years” in a “cramped”, “minimalist” cell in Attica State Penitentiary. The trick is to “drop the first mothafucka” that “looks at your body with greedy eyes,” to earn the respect of your fellow inmates.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Anagrams
"Michael Grinspan" is one of the most anagram-able names ever. Don't believe me? Go to http://www.free-online-calculator.com/general_reference_tools/online_dictionaries/anagram_generator/anagram_generator.shtml and see for yourself. There are well over 67,000 anagrams for "Michael Grinspan."
Here are the best ones (and what they sound like to me)
Plasma Enriching = Good for the heart, like an anti-oxidant.
A Spinach Gremlin = A Japanese fairytale (also inspired a Miyazaki movie)
Clansman Pig Hire = Some sort of neo-nazi ceremony involving barn animals
Hangnail Crisp 'Em = A Detective from the 30’s
A Penal Smirching = Hehe…Penal…
Rascal Hem Pining = A fun lovin’ country band
Machine Gnarls Pi = A dessert with a robot/CeeLo interior.
Chapels an Rimming = A filthy British sexual move
Here are the best ones (and what they sound like to me)
Plasma Enriching = Good for the heart, like an anti-oxidant.
A Spinach Gremlin = A Japanese fairytale (also inspired a Miyazaki movie)
Clansman Pig Hire = Some sort of neo-nazi ceremony involving barn animals
Hangnail Crisp 'Em = A Detective from the 30’s
A Penal Smirching = Hehe…Penal…
Rascal Hem Pining = A fun lovin’ country band
Machine Gnarls Pi = A dessert with a robot/CeeLo interior.
Chapels an Rimming = A filthy British sexual move
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Top 20 Tourist Attractions in the year 2109
- The Denzel Washington Monument
- The Great Wal-Mart of China
- Everglades National Parking Lot
- The Cathedral of Saint Bono
- The “Whoops…Our Bad” Iraq War Memorial
- The Last Glacier
- The Gateway® Arch
- The Taco Bell Bathroom in which Britney Spears died
- Hugh Grant’s Tomb
- The Lost City of Detroit
- Dubai’s Walk-In Diamond
- The Space Needle (Now Reaching Space!)
- The iFel Tower
- Donald Trump’s 1000-foot tall, gold-plated tombstone
- Domino’s® Leaning Tower of Pizza
- The Jenna Bush Presidential Library and Museum
- The Smoking Crater Where Iran Used to Be
- The National Air and Space and Time Travel Museum
- World Wrestling Entertainment Presents: The Dome of The Rock
- Cher 160th Birthday Concert Spectacular
The Oscar's Expand to Field to 10 Best Picture Nominees
A copy of a secret letter sent out by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences after the announcement of the expansion of the Best Picture Field
Dear Academy Member, in order to spread the prestige and integrity (and big box office returns) of Academy Awards around, the Academy has doubled the amount of films in the Best Picture category and has added the following new award categories. Please also note that in an effort to attract a younger audience, we ask you to indicate which of the following Lifetime Achievement Award winners should be slimed as part of the ceremonies; Sidney Poitier, Peter O’Toole, or Sophia Loren.
The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences®
New Award Categories – OFFICIAL BALLOT
Best Picture Written Backwards from the Title Best Performance by a Body Part Best Picture that Spared People from Having to Read a Book Best Casting Against Type Best Original Concept for a Motion Picture Best Use of Extra Dimensions in a Film Best Performance by an Actor Who is Apparently not Dead Best Possible Nipple Sighting
Instruction Manual for the Large Hadron Collider
Congratulations on your purchase of The Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the world’s largest particle accelerator! Before probing the limits of time and space, please read the instruction manual carefully as colliders – and subverting the laws of physics – can be very tricky.
Step 1) Assemble the Collider. Simply construct a 17-mile track under the Swiss Alps, install the Easy Latch® 27-ton Superconducting Magnets, and open the spicket to the 96-ton Liquid Helium Tanks (the valve turns to the left). Spare parts should be available at your local hardware store for no more than two to four billion dollars.
Step 2) Prepare for the test. Ensuring the safety of your scientists should be your primary concern. Just follow the acronym W.R.A.T.H before every test - Wear goggles, Remove metals, Alert the U.N., Tell your loved ones goodbye, and have Stephen Hawkings on stand by.
Step 3) Fire your particles. To fire your particles, press the burgundy ‘start’ button on your Collider consul, making sure not to press the maroon ‘destroy all humanity’ button right next to it: they are not labeled. If done correctly, your particles should collide at 99.99999% the speed of light. If they collide at 99.99998% the speed of light, you will unfortunately need a new Collider and possibly a new planet.
Step 4) Perform damage assessments. Collisions of this magnitude carry some minor risks, specifically nuclear explosions, wormholes, and rips in the space-time continuum. As a result, always perform the following damage assessments after every collision:
Nuclear Explosions – Look out of your laboratory window. If you see your grandparents, beloved childhood pets, etc. then there was a nuclear explosion and you were killed. Please make a note of it.
Worm Holes – Worm holes are the key to time travel, so always take a post collision head count. If you suddenly have three more people in the room and they happen to be Abe Lincoln, Tutankhamen, and the Virgin Mary, you have a wormhole.
Rips in the space-time continuum – To see if you have an open rip in the space-time continuum, canceling out gravity and hurtling you into a new dimension, simply drop a pencil to the ground. If the pencil lands, then gravity still exists and the rip has closed; however, if the pencil screams when it lands, you may be in a new dimension.
Step 5) Analyze your data. A single collision can produce trillions of bytes of data, requiring roughly 100 ComicCons worth of nerds to analyze it. To secure such a tremendous pool of talent, simply hang a large banner in front of your laboratory reading “Have sex with Xena here” and buy a good lock.
Step 6) Maintenance of your Super Collider. Maintaining your Collider is easy; simply buy a 17-mile long sponge and wipe down your Collider after every use. Make sure that when storing your Super Collider, you keep it out of the reach of children, pets, mad scientists.
Once again, congratulations on your purchase of The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) and good luck. We will all need it.
Top 5 Least Popular Brands of Bottled Water
5) Newark Springs®
"Drink wit da fishes."
4) H3O
"The extra h is for hydration! (and makes it radioactive)"
3) Billy® Water
"The water endorsed by the no good brother of a former president!"
"Try our new Roger Clinton Extreme Sports Water®, too!"
2) DUMBE Water®
"Because tap water is free..."
1) Montezuma’s Revenge Mineral Water®
"I gotta find a bathroom!"
ZAGAT's...for Other Services
This month – “Zagat’s for U.S. Senators”
ZAGATSURVEY
2009/2010
UNITED STATES SENATORS
Ratings- Each rating is from 0-30, with 0 being the absolute least and 30 being the absolute most
[E] for legislative effectiveness
[H] for handsomeness
[A] for likelihood of becoming involved in a sex scandal
[S] for personal sanity
Joe Lieberman (I-Connecticut) [20] [3] [0] [20]
706 Hart Senate Office Building, Washington DC
The “independent from Connecticut” is definitely “not the most glamorous” of Senators. Looking “more like Huckleberry Hound than Huckleberry Hound does” and sounding like he has “one hell of a bowel obstruction,” people often assume that Lieberman “is slowly melting” under “all those TV camera lights.” Despite “leaving his original Party,” Lieberman can be a “surprisingly staunch” ally, known for “always watching his friends’ backs” because that is generally “where he ends up sticking the knife.”
Jim Webb (D-Virginia) [25] [22] [10] [1]
248 Russell Senate Office Building, Washington DC
Webb, a “handsome, decorated Vietnam veteran,” is said to be “fighting for America’s future”. However as a Vietnam veteran, Webb is also said to be fighting “an invisible army of sh&t monsters” that “lurk in the shadows” waiting “to attack him” and “eat his still-beating heart.” That being said, Webb is “supremely gifted” at “getting others to vote his way,” possibly because he brings “a bazooka” and “a necklace made of human tongues” with him “whenever he takes the floor.”
David Vitter (R-Louisiana) [15] [18] [28] [18]
516 Hart Senate Office Building, Washington DC
Vitter is a “family values” and “Christian values” kind of Republican, so “of course he was caught using prostitutes in 2007.” Vitter owned up to his sins but “refused to resign” even though he “very publicly” demanded that Bill Clinton “resign for his affair with Monica Lewinsky.” So while some “call Vitter a hypocrite,” others “simply call [him] a douchebag.” Vitter “isn’t all bad,” though; he is known as “one of the greatest foes of lobbyists in the Senate,” proving that Vitter “at least” considers “some forms of prostitution” to be wrong.
Barbara Boxer (D- California) [21] [1] [2] [25]
112 Hart Senate Office Building, Washington DC
“In her 17 years in the Senate,” Boxer has managed to become the “less than beautiful” face of “liberal America.” The Senator from California is “leading the charge” on what liberals believe “are the most important issues” of the day, including “where to buy hemp” and “how to grow hemp.” Boxer is also known for “eagerly sparring” with “just about any willing conservative.” So “’Boxer’ is a very appropriate last name,” not only because of her “scrappiness,” but also because she “looks like she has been punched in the face hundreds of times.”
Mid-Season Replacement Preview: More Phenomenons from the late 1980's Repackaged for the CW
Celebrity Oregon Trail – Tuesdays at 8:00
The educational computer game is updated for the new millennium as Justin Guarini, Mark Sanford, and all your favorite hasbeens fight to survive on the western frontier. Next week: “Flavor Flav has died of dysentery!”
Alf: The New Class – Fridays at 8:30
Alf is back…and he’s crash-landed in one of Orange County’s poshest neighborhoods! Can the lovable little alien navigate his way through a fast-paced world of flashy cars, horny MILFs, and a prep school where you can’t eat cats? Tune in and find Alf.
Investigation: Murder! – Fridays at 9:00
80's mega stars Jerry O'Connell and Fred Savage star as two cops who…what’s that? Sorry, its been canceled.
Weekend at Bernie’s: The Series – Mondays at 9:00
Mondays are drop-dead funny as Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman return for the TV adaptation of their classic 1989 comedy. How did the CW get McCarthy and Silverman back on the same set? The bus station burned down and they needed a new place to sleep!
Welcome to Michael's Moleskin
Like any good writer, comedian Michael Grinspan keeps a Moleskin notebook in which he writes all of his ideas. Rather than letting those ideas fester in his night-table drawer, he has decided to put them out there in the ether. Enjoy!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)