Zagat's for Drug Dealers

ZAGATSURVEY
2007/2008
NEW YORK METRO AREA DRUG DEALERS

Ratings- Each rating is from 0-30, with 0 being the absolute worst and 30 being the absolute best
[P] for drug purity
[C] for condition of the car/home in which drugs are bought
[N] for likelihood that they are not a narc
[K] for likelihood that they are not going to kill you

Paco (Cocaine) [21] [6] [27] [25]
Marion Barry Towers, Apartment 18B, Brooklyn, NY
Paco, a “low level distributor” for the Cali cartel, offers “relatively good quality” cocaine for “fair prices”, providing you are willing to get into in his 1987 Honda Tercel that looks as if “Pablo Escobar had personally blown it up several times.” Those customers “willing to brave” Paco’s “hooptie from hell” will be met with a “surprisingly” pure product, but always be sure to “check the dime bag” for the severed fingers of “uppity Colombian coca farmers.”

Skeeter (Meth) [10] [8] [29] [5]
The shack behind the Dairy Queen, Bumblefuck, NY
Skeeter’s meth lab “gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘shabby chic’” with its “blood covered Bunsen burners,” “garbage-filled refrigerators,” and a pile of open Sudafed boxes that’s “higher than Skeeter’s clientele.” Despite Skeeter’s “obvious, crippling addiction” and “meth induced tremors” you can be reassured by his guarantee that his lab has “almost never exploded” and that he “almost always uses cough-syrup” to cut his product rather than “cheaper but more poisonous OxyClean.” Despite all of Skeeter’s “obvious problems” you can take heart in knowing “that there is no chance in hell” that Skeeter is a narc because “he has no teeth” and “is covered in open wounds” and “no narc would be that dedicated.”

Noam (Ecstasy) [28] [28] [15] [29]
Trump Palace, Apartment 2902, New York, NY
This self-proclaimed Ecstasy “king pin” gets his product “direct from Tel Aviv” and as a result offers an “intriguing” and “enticing” selection of fresh daily specials, including “Louis Vuitton pills” and pills signed by “your favorite band” Daft Punk. Noam shows up to your house “BMW Z4” wearing his ubiquitous “fully unbuttoned Versace gold-lame shirt” and assuming he isn’t “all coked out” or on his way over to “club Untz Untz” you can expect very professional service. But “don’t be fooled by the techno”, because underneath his “Night at the Roxbury” exterior, Noam “is just a nice Jew boy” and once he is pinched by the DEA he will “sing like his Grandfather the cantor” so make sure to use an alias when buying.


Babylon [Agent O’Toole] (“Drugs”) [19] [26] [0] [0]
Washington Square Park, New York, NY
“If you are looking to get arrested” then there is “no one better” in all of New York City than Babylon, the 6’4” white, “dreaded”, “Jamaican” who sells in Washington Square Park “in broad day light” to “any 14-year old dumb enough to buy from him.” But for those “sk8r bois” willing to buy unspecified “drugs” from “an Irish guy in a Halloween wig,” always remember to repeat your drug requests “loudly and clearly into his dreads” which are reportedly “better miked than the CNN news room.” Once you purchase drugs from Babylon, you can expect to spend “2 to 5 years” in a “cramped”, “minimalist” cell in Attica State Penitentiary. The trick is to “drop the first mothafucka” that “looks at your body with greedy eyes,” to earn the respect of your fellow inmates.