Tips for Picking a New Supreme Court Justice

Hot on the heels of Justice David Souter's departure, rumors abound that 89-year old Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is planning his eminent retirement (slash death). The day is not far off when Barack Obama will have to pick his second Supreme Court Justice. With all fairness in mind, I would like to offer him the following tips:

Mold them in your image -
“Supreme Court justice” is a lifetime title and they act as a lasting legacy of each presidential administration. Reagan? He picked a solid, loyal conservative like himself William Rehnquist to steer the court. Eisenhower? He selected a moderate in the mold of himself like Earl Warren to bring to court together. And Nixon? He chose the ever-controversial face-eating vampire Count Viletooth to make sure his own interests would always have a place on the court. Three presidents and three excellent choice, except of course, for Count Viletooth, who was expelled from the court for killing and gorging upon the flesh of Debbie Roe, from the famous Roe v. Wade case, after ruling against her.

Pick someone you will be comfortable with -
Picking a new Supreme Court justice isn’t like buying a new puppy for the family; unlike a puppy, if the justice doesn’t work, you can’t beat it to death with a shovel in the back yard. Each president must select a justice that he (I deliberately say “he”, and not the gay “he or she”) is and will forever be comfortable with. My suggestion? When selecting a new Supreme Court justice, stand naked with them for an hour during the interview. If either you giggle or if they giggle, they’re probably not the best person for the job. But if you can stand naked in front of them for an hour without the nakedness becoming a distraction and without vomiting at the sight of their wrinkled, dilapidated form, hire them on the spot.

They've gotta have a good name -
As a History Major, trust me on this one. you're going to want to pick the person you know with the most embarrassing old-timey name that you can find. FDR picked associate justice Wiley B. Rutledge. Lincoln picked Salmon P. Chase and Jefferson picked Brockholst Livingston. So if you know a good lawyer named something like Hickory Explosion or Zebulon Artemis Fisticuffs, hire them immediately.

Make sure they are loyal -
Loyalty cannot be overrated. Case in point, Lyndon Johnson named his personal lawyer Abe Fortas to the bench after a night of Tequila shots and sloppy make-out sessions. Don’t pick any one for the job unless they are willing to give you, like, at least a quick handie in the oval office when you are feeling down.

Everybody loves a minority! -
Well, not all minorities. Don’t pick anyone with an accent or, you know, a goofy lookin’ ethnic face. The first minority on the court, Louis Brandeis, who was a Jew, was actually quite a good pick. That is, up until he was expelled from the bench for being the only justice to support Romans in the landmark case of Jesus v. Crucifix. In memoriam of this historic event, Brandeis College was founded outside of Boston, where you ugly, nebishy cousin Shira goes today. Lyndon Johnson picked Thurgood Marshall, the first black man on the court, with the condition that he would mop the floors of the court when session was over. But Marshall made good and became an important figure in the history of civil rights. Fortunately, Clarence Thomas has eroded all of those important steps forward that Marshall made for African- Americans. And there was Sandra D. No, not from Grease! Sandra Day O’Connor. Her choice as the first female Supreme Court justice was part of a promise Reagan made in the election of 1980 to “put some tits on the Supreme Court”. But O’Connor has chosen to be a great pick, known for moderate social stance. Except she really can’t trusted to make proper legal decisions four days a month. Its just science.

I hope that these tips will give our President some much needed incite into picking his next Supreme Court justice.