Instruction Manual for the Large Hadron Collider

Congratulations on your purchase of The Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the world’s largest particle accelerator! Before probing the limits of time and space, please read the instruction manual carefully as colliders – and subverting the laws of physics – can be very tricky.

Step 1) Assemble the Collider. Simply construct a 17-mile track under the Swiss Alps, install the Easy Latch® 27-ton Superconducting Magnets, and open the spicket to the 96-ton Liquid Helium Tanks (the valve turns to the left). Spare parts should be available at your local hardware store for no more than two to four billion dollars.

Step 2) Prepare for the test. Ensuring the safety of your scientists should be your primary concern. Just follow the acronym W.R.A.T.H before every test - Wear goggles, Remove metals, Alert the U.N., Tell your loved ones goodbye, and have Stephen Hawkings on stand by.

Step 3) Fire your particles. To fire your particles, press the burgundy ‘start’ button on your Collider consul, making sure not to press the maroon ‘destroy all humanity’ button right next to it: they are not labeled. If done correctly, your particles should collide at 99.99999% the speed of light. If they collide at 99.99998% the speed of light, you will unfortunately need a new Collider and possibly a new planet.

Step 4) Perform damage assessments. Collisions of this magnitude carry some minor risks, specifically nuclear explosions, wormholes, and rips in the space-time continuum. As a result, always perform the following damage assessments after every collision:

Nuclear Explosions – Look out of your laboratory window. If you see your grandparents, beloved childhood pets, etc. then there was a nuclear explosion and you were killed. Please make a note of it.

Worm Holes – Worm holes are the key to time travel, so always take a post collision head count. If you suddenly have three more people in the room and they happen to be Abe Lincoln, Tutankhamen, and the Virgin Mary, you have a wormhole.

Rips in the space-time continuum – To see if you have an open rip in the space-time continuum, canceling out gravity and hurtling you into a new dimension, simply drop a pencil to the ground. If the pencil lands, then gravity still exists and the rip has closed; however, if the pencil screams when it lands, you may be in a new dimension.

Step 5) Analyze your data. A single collision can produce trillions of bytes of data, requiring roughly 100 ComicCons worth of nerds to analyze it. To secure such a tremendous pool of talent, simply hang a large banner in front of your laboratory reading “Have sex with Xena here” and buy a good lock.

Step 6) Maintenance of your Super Collider. Maintaining your Collider is easy; simply buy a 17-mile long sponge and wipe down your Collider after every use. Make sure that when storing your Super Collider, you keep it out of the reach of children, pets, mad scientists.

Once again, congratulations on your purchase of The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) and good luck. We will all need it.