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This month – “Zagat’s for U.S. Senators”

ZAGATSURVEY

2009/2010

UNITED STATES SENATORS

Ratings- Each rating is from 0-30, with 0 being the absolute least and 30 being the absolute most

[E] for legislative effectiveness

[H] for handsomeness

[A] for likelihood of becoming involved in a sex scandal

[S] for personal sanity           

 

 

Joe Lieberman (I-Connecticut)  [20] [3] [0] [20]

706 Hart Senate Office Building, Washington DC

The “independent from Connecticut” is definitely “not the most glamorous” of Senators. Looking “more like Huckleberry Hound than Huckleberry Hound does” and sounding like he has “one hell of a bowel obstruction,” people often assume that Lieberman “is slowly melting” under “all those TV camera lights.” Despite “leaving his original Party,” Lieberman can be a “surprisingly staunch” ally, known for “always watching his friends’ backs” because that is generally “where he ends up sticking the knife.”

 

Jim Webb (D-Virginia)  [25] [22] [10] [1]

248 Russell Senate Office Building, Washington DC

Webb, a “handsome, decorated Vietnam veteran,” is said to be “fighting for America’s future”. However as a Vietnam veteran, Webb is also said to be fighting “an invisible army of sh&t monsters” that “lurk in the shadows” waiting “to attack him” and “eat his still-beating heart.” That being said, Webb is “supremely gifted” at “getting others to vote his way,” possibly because he brings “a bazooka” and “a necklace made of human tongues” with him “whenever he takes the floor.”

 

David Vitter (R-Louisiana)   [15] [18] [28] [18]

516 Hart Senate Office Building, Washington DC

Vitter is a “family values” and “Christian values” kind of Republican, so “of course he was caught using prostitutes in 2007.” Vitter owned up to his sins but “refused to resign” even though he “very publicly” demanded that Bill Clinton “resign for his affair with Monica Lewinsky.” So while some “call Vitter a hypocrite,” others “simply call [him] a douchebag.” Vitter “isn’t all bad,” though; he is known as “one of the greatest foes of lobbyists in the Senate,” proving that Vitter “at least” considers “some forms of prostitution” to be wrong.

 

Barbara Boxer (D- California)  [21] [1] [2] [25]

112 Hart Senate Office Building, Washington DC

“In her 17 years in the Senate,” Boxer has managed to become the “less than beautiful” face of “liberal America.” The Senator from California is “leading the charge” on what liberals believe “are the most important issues” of the day, including “where to buy hemp” and “how to grow hemp.” Boxer is also known for “eagerly sparring” with “just about any willing conservative.” So “’Boxer’ is a very appropriate last name,” not only because of her “scrappiness,” but also because she “looks like she has been punched in the face hundreds of times.”