Throwback - 8 Most Competitive Senate Races, 2006

With the 2010 midterm elections gaining steam in the press, I thought it'd be fun to publish an old throw-back; an article I wrote about the 2006 Senate Elections. Virginia and Missouri are my personal favorite one, but you can decide for yourself which you think I displayed the most amount of sheer world-changing genius.

8 Most Competitive Senate Races

1. Tennessee- Harold Ford (D) v. Bob Corker (R)

Harold Ford- Imagine if Barack Obama quit Student Government and became a vicious, sadistic frat boy. Ford has also had controversy in his family life recently from his uncle’s federal indictment to his great-grandfather Henry’s “I don’t sell Model-T’s to Jews” ad campaign.

Bob Corker- More like Bob “Coke”er! Actually, we have no proof that the Chattanooga mayor does coke, but wouldn’t a coked out Senator make C-Span a lot more interesting? “No, you yield the fucking floor, skank!” “Motion to turn that song up: I just wanna fucking dance!”

2. Pennsylvania- Bob Casey (D) v. Rick Santorum (R)

Bob Casey- “Hello. My name is Bob Casey, my dad was a great governor, so I think I’ll be good at politics, too”. Well let me tell you something, Mr. Casey, in American, we don’t make “daddy’s little man” Senator. We make him President.

Rick Santorum- In college all the guys used to call Santorum “Sticky Ricky”. But now, after a certain infamous Dan Savage column, they call him “Sticky-biproduct-of-feces-sperm-blood-and-lube Ricky”.

3. Missouri- Claire McCaskill (D) v. Jim Talent (R)

Claire McCaskill- Total whore. Just, like, blowjobs, all the time, everywhere.

Jim Talent- To fill the Senate seat left vacant by the death of Democrat Mel Carnahan, Jim Talent beat Carnahan’s own widow who was running for her husband’s seat. Talent beat Carnahan’s widow with a brick wrapped in a t-shirt. This incident took place two weeks after Talent ironically “beat” Carnahan’s widow by receiving more votes than her in the election.

4. Ohio- Sherrod Brown (D) v. Mike DeWine (R)

Sherrod Brown- Sherrod Brown! Ooh, let’s get that fine, intelligent brother elected! Ain’t no stoppin’ us now! Movin’ on up! What? He’s a nerdy white guy with a very misleading name? Oh, fuck him then.

Mike DeWine- DeWine has run a defense-heavy Senate campaign and pollsters attribute his low poll numbers to his lack of aggression. You know what the say, you got to crush some grapes to make De-Wine! Get it? Seriously, though, Mike DeWine is a major alcoholic and his wife just left him.

5. Montana- Jon Tester (D) v. Conrad Burns (R)

Jon Tester- Tester grew up on a farm in rural Montana where he lived a cowboy’s existence of herding cattle, shooting guns, and loving Jesus but not as much as he loved America. What he is doing in the Democratic party is a complete fucking mystery.

Conrad Burns- Conrad Burns has the lowest approval ratings of any Senator, he accepted millions of dollars illegally from Jack Abramoff, and he once said that terrorists “drive taxicabs during the daytime and kill at night”. He also laughed really hard when he heard about the Crocodile Hunter’s death.

6. Rhode Island- Sheldon Whitehouse (D) v. Lincoln Chafee (R)

Sheldon Whitehouse- Vote for me, I have the most embarrassing name.

Lincoln Chafee- No I do! Vote for me.

7. Virginia- James Webb (for election purposes D) v. George Allen (R)

James Webb- Webb, a decorated Vietnam veteran, is said to be “fighting for Virginia’s future”. However, as a Vietnam veteran, Webb is also fighting an invisible army of shit monsters that lurk in every shadow waiting to attack him and eat his still beating heart.

George Allen- “You know what’s a silly word” George Allen thought to himself one warm, summer day, “Macaca. That’s the silliest word I’ve ever made up. I think I’ll use it at my campaign stop today and make everyone laugh”. Allen has been asked to never “make up” any words ever again by the RNC.

8. Connecticut- Ned Lamont (D) v. Schlesinger (R) v. Joe Lieberman (I)

Joe Lieberman- That pudgy, little Jew Joe Lieberman got what was coming to him no matter how much it offends Al Franken. Lieberman lost the Democratic nomination because he is too conservative, too vain and too cozy with Bush; that’ll show him!...when he is comfortably re-elected in November.

Ned Lamont- Lamont astonished the nation when he beat Joe Lieberman to receive the Democratic nomination for Senate from Connecticut. What’s even more astonishing is that he managed to win despite being born with an asshole for a mouth. If you don’t believe me, look at a picture of him. He chews with his sphincter.

Schlesinger- Wait. There is a republican in this race? Besides Lieberman?