Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Top 20 Tourist Attractions in the year 2109
- The Denzel Washington Monument
- The Great Wal-Mart of China
- Everglades National Parking Lot
- The Cathedral of Saint Bono
- The “Whoops…Our Bad” Iraq War Memorial
- The Last Glacier
- The Gateway® Arch
- The Taco Bell Bathroom in which Britney Spears died
- Hugh Grant’s Tomb
- The Lost City of Detroit
- Dubai’s Walk-In Diamond
- The Space Needle (Now Reaching Space!)
- The iFel Tower
- Donald Trump’s 1000-foot tall, gold-plated tombstone
- Domino’s® Leaning Tower of Pizza
- The Jenna Bush Presidential Library and Museum
- The Smoking Crater Where Iran Used to Be
- The National Air and Space and Time Travel Museum
- World Wrestling Entertainment Presents: The Dome of The Rock
- Cher 160th Birthday Concert Spectacular
The Oscar's Expand to Field to 10 Best Picture Nominees
Dear Academy Member, in order to spread the prestige and integrity (and big box office returns) of Academy Awards around, the Academy has doubled the amount of films in the Best Picture category and has added the following new award categories. Please also note that in an effort to attract a younger audience, we ask you to indicate which of the following Lifetime Achievement Award winners should be slimed as part of the ceremonies; Sidney Poitier, Peter O’Toole, or Sophia Loren.
The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences®
New Award Categories – OFFICIAL BALLOT
Best Picture Written Backwards from the Title Best Performance by a Body Part Best Picture that Spared People from Having to Read a Book Best Casting Against Type Best Original Concept for a Motion Picture Best Use of Extra Dimensions in a Film Best Performance by an Actor Who is Apparently not Dead Best Possible Nipple Sighting
Instruction Manual for the Large Hadron Collider
Congratulations on your purchase of The Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the world’s largest particle accelerator! Before probing the limits of time and space, please read the instruction manual carefully as colliders – and subverting the laws of physics – can be very tricky.
Step 1) Assemble the Collider. Simply construct a 17-mile track under the Swiss Alps, install the Easy Latch® 27-ton Superconducting Magnets, and open the spicket to the 96-ton Liquid Helium Tanks (the valve turns to the left). Spare parts should be available at your local hardware store for no more than two to four billion dollars.
Step 2) Prepare for the test. Ensuring the safety of your scientists should be your primary concern. Just follow the acronym W.R.A.T.H before every test - Wear goggles, Remove metals, Alert the U.N., Tell your loved ones goodbye, and have Stephen Hawkings on stand by.
Step 3) Fire your particles. To fire your particles, press the burgundy ‘start’ button on your Collider consul, making sure not to press the maroon ‘destroy all humanity’ button right next to it: they are not labeled. If done correctly, your particles should collide at 99.99999% the speed of light. If they collide at 99.99998% the speed of light, you will unfortunately need a new Collider and possibly a new planet.
Step 4) Perform damage assessments. Collisions of this magnitude carry some minor risks, specifically nuclear explosions, wormholes, and rips in the space-time continuum. As a result, always perform the following damage assessments after every collision:
Nuclear Explosions – Look out of your laboratory window. If you see your grandparents, beloved childhood pets, etc. then there was a nuclear explosion and you were killed. Please make a note of it.
Worm Holes – Worm holes are the key to time travel, so always take a post collision head count. If you suddenly have three more people in the room and they happen to be Abe Lincoln, Tutankhamen, and the Virgin Mary, you have a wormhole.
Rips in the space-time continuum – To see if you have an open rip in the space-time continuum, canceling out gravity and hurtling you into a new dimension, simply drop a pencil to the ground. If the pencil lands, then gravity still exists and the rip has closed; however, if the pencil screams when it lands, you may be in a new dimension.
Step 5) Analyze your data. A single collision can produce trillions of bytes of data, requiring roughly 100 ComicCons worth of nerds to analyze it. To secure such a tremendous pool of talent, simply hang a large banner in front of your laboratory reading “Have sex with Xena here” and buy a good lock.
Step 6) Maintenance of your Super Collider. Maintaining your Collider is easy; simply buy a 17-mile long sponge and wipe down your Collider after every use. Make sure that when storing your Super Collider, you keep it out of the reach of children, pets, mad scientists.
Once again, congratulations on your purchase of The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) and good luck. We will all need it.
Top 5 Least Popular Brands of Bottled Water
5) Newark Springs®
"Drink wit da fishes."
4) H3O
"The extra h is for hydration! (and makes it radioactive)"
3) Billy® Water
"The water endorsed by the no good brother of a former president!"
"Try our new Roger Clinton Extreme Sports Water®, too!"
2) DUMBE Water®
"Because tap water is free..."
1) Montezuma’s Revenge Mineral Water®
"I gotta find a bathroom!"
ZAGAT's...for Other Services
This month – “Zagat’s for U.S. Senators”
ZAGATSURVEY
2009/2010
UNITED STATES SENATORS
Ratings- Each rating is from 0-30, with 0 being the absolute least and 30 being the absolute most
[E] for legislative effectiveness
[H] for handsomeness
[A] for likelihood of becoming involved in a sex scandal
[S] for personal sanity
Joe Lieberman (I-Connecticut) [20] [3] [0] [20]
706 Hart Senate Office Building, Washington DC
The “independent from Connecticut” is definitely “not the most glamorous” of Senators. Looking “more like Huckleberry Hound than Huckleberry Hound does” and sounding like he has “one hell of a bowel obstruction,” people often assume that Lieberman “is slowly melting” under “all those TV camera lights.” Despite “leaving his original Party,” Lieberman can be a “surprisingly staunch” ally, known for “always watching his friends’ backs” because that is generally “where he ends up sticking the knife.”
Jim Webb (D-Virginia) [25] [22] [10] [1]
248 Russell Senate Office Building, Washington DC
Webb, a “handsome, decorated Vietnam veteran,” is said to be “fighting for America’s future”. However as a Vietnam veteran, Webb is also said to be fighting “an invisible army of sh&t monsters” that “lurk in the shadows” waiting “to attack him” and “eat his still-beating heart.” That being said, Webb is “supremely gifted” at “getting others to vote his way,” possibly because he brings “a bazooka” and “a necklace made of human tongues” with him “whenever he takes the floor.”
David Vitter (R-Louisiana) [15] [18] [28] [18]
516 Hart Senate Office Building, Washington DC
Vitter is a “family values” and “Christian values” kind of Republican, so “of course he was caught using prostitutes in 2007.” Vitter owned up to his sins but “refused to resign” even though he “very publicly” demanded that Bill Clinton “resign for his affair with Monica Lewinsky.” So while some “call Vitter a hypocrite,” others “simply call [him] a douchebag.” Vitter “isn’t all bad,” though; he is known as “one of the greatest foes of lobbyists in the Senate,” proving that Vitter “at least” considers “some forms of prostitution” to be wrong.
Barbara Boxer (D- California) [21] [1] [2] [25]
112 Hart Senate Office Building, Washington DC
“In her 17 years in the Senate,” Boxer has managed to become the “less than beautiful” face of “liberal America.” The Senator from California is “leading the charge” on what liberals believe “are the most important issues” of the day, including “where to buy hemp” and “how to grow hemp.” Boxer is also known for “eagerly sparring” with “just about any willing conservative.” So “’Boxer’ is a very appropriate last name,” not only because of her “scrappiness,” but also because she “looks like she has been punched in the face hundreds of times.”
Mid-Season Replacement Preview: More Phenomenons from the late 1980's Repackaged for the CW
Celebrity Oregon Trail – Tuesdays at 8:00
The educational computer game is updated for the new millennium as Justin Guarini, Mark Sanford, and all your favorite hasbeens fight to survive on the western frontier. Next week: “Flavor Flav has died of dysentery!”
Alf: The New Class – Fridays at 8:30
Alf is back…and he’s crash-landed in one of Orange County’s poshest neighborhoods! Can the lovable little alien navigate his way through a fast-paced world of flashy cars, horny MILFs, and a prep school where you can’t eat cats? Tune in and find Alf.
Investigation: Murder! – Fridays at 9:00
80's mega stars Jerry O'Connell and Fred Savage star as two cops who…what’s that? Sorry, its been canceled.
Weekend at Bernie’s: The Series – Mondays at 9:00
Mondays are drop-dead funny as Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman return for the TV adaptation of their classic 1989 comedy. How did the CW get McCarthy and Silverman back on the same set? The bus station burned down and they needed a new place to sleep!