Throwback - 8 Most Competitive Senate Races, 2006

With the 2010 midterm elections gaining steam in the press, I thought it'd be fun to publish an old throw-back; an article I wrote about the 2006 Senate Elections. Virginia and Missouri are my personal favorite one, but you can decide for yourself which you think I displayed the most amount of sheer world-changing genius.

8 Most Competitive Senate Races

1. Tennessee- Harold Ford (D) v. Bob Corker (R)

Harold Ford- Imagine if Barack Obama quit Student Government and became a vicious, sadistic frat boy. Ford has also had controversy in his family life recently from his uncle’s federal indictment to his great-grandfather Henry’s “I don’t sell Model-T’s to Jews” ad campaign.

Bob Corker- More like Bob “Coke”er! Actually, we have no proof that the Chattanooga mayor does coke, but wouldn’t a coked out Senator make C-Span a lot more interesting? “No, you yield the fucking floor, skank!” “Motion to turn that song up: I just wanna fucking dance!”

2. Pennsylvania- Bob Casey (D) v. Rick Santorum (R)

Bob Casey- “Hello. My name is Bob Casey, my dad was a great governor, so I think I’ll be good at politics, too”. Well let me tell you something, Mr. Casey, in American, we don’t make “daddy’s little man” Senator. We make him President.

Rick Santorum- In college all the guys used to call Santorum “Sticky Ricky”. But now, after a certain infamous Dan Savage column, they call him “Sticky-biproduct-of-feces-sperm-blood-and-lube Ricky”.

3. Missouri- Claire McCaskill (D) v. Jim Talent (R)

Claire McCaskill- Total whore. Just, like, blowjobs, all the time, everywhere.

Jim Talent- To fill the Senate seat left vacant by the death of Democrat Mel Carnahan, Jim Talent beat Carnahan’s own widow who was running for her husband’s seat. Talent beat Carnahan’s widow with a brick wrapped in a t-shirt. This incident took place two weeks after Talent ironically “beat” Carnahan’s widow by receiving more votes than her in the election.

4. Ohio- Sherrod Brown (D) v. Mike DeWine (R)

Sherrod Brown- Sherrod Brown! Ooh, let’s get that fine, intelligent brother elected! Ain’t no stoppin’ us now! Movin’ on up! What? He’s a nerdy white guy with a very misleading name? Oh, fuck him then.

Mike DeWine- DeWine has run a defense-heavy Senate campaign and pollsters attribute his low poll numbers to his lack of aggression. You know what the say, you got to crush some grapes to make De-Wine! Get it? Seriously, though, Mike DeWine is a major alcoholic and his wife just left him.

5. Montana- Jon Tester (D) v. Conrad Burns (R)

Jon Tester- Tester grew up on a farm in rural Montana where he lived a cowboy’s existence of herding cattle, shooting guns, and loving Jesus but not as much as he loved America. What he is doing in the Democratic party is a complete fucking mystery.

Conrad Burns- Conrad Burns has the lowest approval ratings of any Senator, he accepted millions of dollars illegally from Jack Abramoff, and he once said that terrorists “drive taxicabs during the daytime and kill at night”. He also laughed really hard when he heard about the Crocodile Hunter’s death.

6. Rhode Island- Sheldon Whitehouse (D) v. Lincoln Chafee (R)

Sheldon Whitehouse- Vote for me, I have the most embarrassing name.

Lincoln Chafee- No I do! Vote for me.

7. Virginia- James Webb (for election purposes D) v. George Allen (R)

James Webb- Webb, a decorated Vietnam veteran, is said to be “fighting for Virginia’s future”. However, as a Vietnam veteran, Webb is also fighting an invisible army of shit monsters that lurk in every shadow waiting to attack him and eat his still beating heart.

George Allen- “You know what’s a silly word” George Allen thought to himself one warm, summer day, “Macaca. That’s the silliest word I’ve ever made up. I think I’ll use it at my campaign stop today and make everyone laugh”. Allen has been asked to never “make up” any words ever again by the RNC.

8. Connecticut- Ned Lamont (D) v. Schlesinger (R) v. Joe Lieberman (I)

Joe Lieberman- That pudgy, little Jew Joe Lieberman got what was coming to him no matter how much it offends Al Franken. Lieberman lost the Democratic nomination because he is too conservative, too vain and too cozy with Bush; that’ll show him!...when he is comfortably re-elected in November.

Ned Lamont- Lamont astonished the nation when he beat Joe Lieberman to receive the Democratic nomination for Senate from Connecticut. What’s even more astonishing is that he managed to win despite being born with an asshole for a mouth. If you don’t believe me, look at a picture of him. He chews with his sphincter.

Schlesinger- Wait. There is a republican in this race? Besides Lieberman?

Tips for Picking a New Supreme Court Justice

Hot on the heels of Justice David Souter's departure, rumors abound that 89-year old Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is planning his eminent retirement (slash death). The day is not far off when Barack Obama will have to pick his second Supreme Court Justice. With all fairness in mind, I would like to offer him the following tips:

Mold them in your image -
“Supreme Court justice” is a lifetime title and they act as a lasting legacy of each presidential administration. Reagan? He picked a solid, loyal conservative like himself William Rehnquist to steer the court. Eisenhower? He selected a moderate in the mold of himself like Earl Warren to bring to court together. And Nixon? He chose the ever-controversial face-eating vampire Count Viletooth to make sure his own interests would always have a place on the court. Three presidents and three excellent choice, except of course, for Count Viletooth, who was expelled from the court for killing and gorging upon the flesh of Debbie Roe, from the famous Roe v. Wade case, after ruling against her.

Pick someone you will be comfortable with -
Picking a new Supreme Court justice isn’t like buying a new puppy for the family; unlike a puppy, if the justice doesn’t work, you can’t beat it to death with a shovel in the back yard. Each president must select a justice that he (I deliberately say “he”, and not the gay “he or she”) is and will forever be comfortable with. My suggestion? When selecting a new Supreme Court justice, stand naked with them for an hour during the interview. If either you giggle or if they giggle, they’re probably not the best person for the job. But if you can stand naked in front of them for an hour without the nakedness becoming a distraction and without vomiting at the sight of their wrinkled, dilapidated form, hire them on the spot.

They've gotta have a good name -
As a History Major, trust me on this one. you're going to want to pick the person you know with the most embarrassing old-timey name that you can find. FDR picked associate justice Wiley B. Rutledge. Lincoln picked Salmon P. Chase and Jefferson picked Brockholst Livingston. So if you know a good lawyer named something like Hickory Explosion or Zebulon Artemis Fisticuffs, hire them immediately.

Make sure they are loyal -
Loyalty cannot be overrated. Case in point, Lyndon Johnson named his personal lawyer Abe Fortas to the bench after a night of Tequila shots and sloppy make-out sessions. Don’t pick any one for the job unless they are willing to give you, like, at least a quick handie in the oval office when you are feeling down.

Everybody loves a minority! -
Well, not all minorities. Don’t pick anyone with an accent or, you know, a goofy lookin’ ethnic face. The first minority on the court, Louis Brandeis, who was a Jew, was actually quite a good pick. That is, up until he was expelled from the bench for being the only justice to support Romans in the landmark case of Jesus v. Crucifix. In memoriam of this historic event, Brandeis College was founded outside of Boston, where you ugly, nebishy cousin Shira goes today. Lyndon Johnson picked Thurgood Marshall, the first black man on the court, with the condition that he would mop the floors of the court when session was over. But Marshall made good and became an important figure in the history of civil rights. Fortunately, Clarence Thomas has eroded all of those important steps forward that Marshall made for African- Americans. And there was Sandra D. No, not from Grease! Sandra Day O’Connor. Her choice as the first female Supreme Court justice was part of a promise Reagan made in the election of 1980 to “put some tits on the Supreme Court”. But O’Connor has chosen to be a great pick, known for moderate social stance. Except she really can’t trusted to make proper legal decisions four days a month. Its just science.

I hope that these tips will give our President some much needed incite into picking his next Supreme Court justice.

ZAGAT's...for Other Services

This month – “Zagat’s for U.S. Senators”

ZAGATSURVEY

2009/2010

UNITED STATES SENATORS

Ratings- Each rating is from 0-30, with 0 being the absolute least and 30 being the absolute most

[E] for legislative effectiveness

[H] for handsomeness

[A] for likelihood of becoming involved in a sex scandal

[S] for personal sanity           

 

 

Joe Lieberman (I-Connecticut)  [20] [3] [0] [20]

706 Hart Senate Office Building, Washington DC

The “independent from Connecticut” is definitely “not the most glamorous” of Senators. Looking “more like Huckleberry Hound than Huckleberry Hound does” and sounding like he has “one hell of a bowel obstruction,” people often assume that Lieberman “is slowly melting” under “all those TV camera lights.” Despite “leaving his original Party,” Lieberman can be a “surprisingly staunch” ally, known for “always watching his friends’ backs” because that is generally “where he ends up sticking the knife.”

 

Jim Webb (D-Virginia)  [25] [22] [10] [1]

248 Russell Senate Office Building, Washington DC

Webb, a “handsome, decorated Vietnam veteran,” is said to be “fighting for America’s future”. However as a Vietnam veteran, Webb is also said to be fighting “an invisible army of sh&t monsters” that “lurk in the shadows” waiting “to attack him” and “eat his still-beating heart.” That being said, Webb is “supremely gifted” at “getting others to vote his way,” possibly because he brings “a bazooka” and “a necklace made of human tongues” with him “whenever he takes the floor.”

 

David Vitter (R-Louisiana)   [15] [18] [28] [18]

516 Hart Senate Office Building, Washington DC

Vitter is a “family values” and “Christian values” kind of Republican, so “of course he was caught using prostitutes in 2007.” Vitter owned up to his sins but “refused to resign” even though he “very publicly” demanded that Bill Clinton “resign for his affair with Monica Lewinsky.” So while some “call Vitter a hypocrite,” others “simply call [him] a douchebag.” Vitter “isn’t all bad,” though; he is known as “one of the greatest foes of lobbyists in the Senate,” proving that Vitter “at least” considers “some forms of prostitution” to be wrong.

 

Barbara Boxer (D- California)  [21] [1] [2] [25]

112 Hart Senate Office Building, Washington DC

“In her 17 years in the Senate,” Boxer has managed to become the “less than beautiful” face of “liberal America.” The Senator from California is “leading the charge” on what liberals believe “are the most important issues” of the day, including “where to buy hemp” and “how to grow hemp.” Boxer is also known for “eagerly sparring” with “just about any willing conservative.” So “’Boxer’ is a very appropriate last name,” not only because of her “scrappiness,” but also because she “looks like she has been punched in the face hundreds of times.”